Everything is exactly on time.

I probably wrote this blog entry numerous times in my mind. I have thought the same chain of thoughts for a while now, so often that it seems like a broken record in my head.

I’m tired. The type of tired where it is an effort to trudge up the stairs to the train, the type of tired that is so mentally exhausted and bruised that I need a small getaway to set things straight again. The type of tired where I forget my wallet twice in one week, and have to bail on plans with a friend because I wouldn’t make it in time, or walk back to my apartment in the freezing NYC endless winter 2014. I feel like I am thinking about something else entirely while doing mundane tasks.

I am completely, and utterly exhausted. My eyes have been sore since Friday, and I have bags that cover half my face. I am making a resolution to go to bed at an early time tonight and take care of myself. I want to sleep for a long time and have a week where no one speaks to me. I know that on a deeper level, this isn’t actually what I want, but silence sounds so tempting. Stopping the automatic, fake smile that I paste on day after day seems so tempting. I feel like I am constantly drowning. I have scheduled plans everyday this week because I know that if I don’t do it, I will give in to buying some wine, streaming Netflix, and feeling worse about myself.

Emotionally, I feel ridiculously drained. More so than I remember feeling in a long time. I know that these steps back are good in their own way. There will never be those good days, if everyday was a good day. But lately, it feels like everyday  (probably in the last two weeks or so) has been a battle to face. One of my biggest weaknesses is that I have high expectations, and a bad reaction when those things don’t appear. I have high expectations for my friends, my relationships, and the standards I place on myself. I know that I am the only person judging me, and therefore the only person standing in my own way. Things out of my control changed the position I was so excited about accepting, and it is a disheartening place to be. A bad day, a bad week, a bad month, a bad year does not mean that you have a bad life.

Almost two years later from when I started this blog, I am probably the healthiest I have ever been in my life physically. I make it a priority to walk as many places as possible, I start the day off with a workout sometimes, and I try not to miss yoga because it offers a mental escape for me.

I have noticed that I embody some traits that may be great for other people, but I deserve that same love and respect towards myself. I am the listening ear to many problems yet I don’t feel comfortable voicing my own problems, to the point where I have started and stopped journals ten times this year because pages don’t judge you. The truth is my friends don’t judge me either, but I judge me, so I assume that everyone is too.

It is all quite idiotic but very valid, and I am trying to find a balance between taking care of myself and moving forward. Right now, it feels like one step forward, two steps back. I know that life owes me nothing, and that I have a lot to be thankful for. I am grateful I live in a beautiful exposed brick loft and I am able to afford it. I am grateful I can buy organic food, fruits, vegetables, and I have never gone hungry a day in my life. I know that the problems in my life are completely and utterly relative.

I wrote this post because I think it needs to be brought out that no matter what it looks like on the outside, no one has it together 100 percent of the time. I know that my story is better and worse than other people. No one knows my circumstances quite like I do, but I also know that I could easily be doing more to take care of myself. This is a priority. Next week is my birthday, and I am not going to let my bad February dominate my life. The pity party is over. To be honest, it is probably the most motivated I have been in recent memory to change my situation, so I will make sure I do. It’ll pay off. And when it does, it will be big.

Here’s to bad weeks/months/days/years – they just make you better. If you let them.

xx

R

This Weekend

I am going to make these chocolate peanut butter bars.

I am going to use the facemask I bought for a dollar from this store made with egg whites.

Really loving the restaurant suggestions in this guide. Must explore.

Going to this gallery.

Making this foccacia -first bread attempt!

The beginning of this week was a somewhat rougher start. It started out fabulously with this great discussion we had in the new book club I joined, I met some new people, which has definitely bothered me that is not more of a regular thing, and I got to hang out with some really awesome people discussing a really cool book (we read As Nature Made Him by John Colapinto which is about a set of twins and discovering whether nature or nurture has more of a role in gender roles) and ended with me being anxious about some of the things I have participated in recently and identifying patterns. I moved to New York City for a fulfilled life where there are a million activities for me to partake in no matter the day, time, or location. NYC is one of the better locations for that since most of us that move here have the same idea. However, I don’t think I take advantage as often as I should. While it is awesome to stay in during the weekends, I somehow feel as though my time here is limited. This could be true, as it is a very expensive place to live and sustain a life, but more so in the fact that I have never been the type of person that enjoys lying in bed all day. I love being out and about. In the jumble of moving here and getting settled, and making enough money to really enjoy my time here, I stopped searching for things that really matter to me. I love my life now the way it is, but I am one of those people that does seek to always better her circumstances. I think I would get more cultural capital from gallery hopping or going to a library for most of the day on a Saturday then I do currently. My weeks are usually so jam packed and busy that sitting in my bed sometimes is actually really refreshing. Maybe what has gotten stale is that I resolved to put myself more out there this year, and that hasn’t been happening with enough regularity. While I am so proud of myself for leaving something familiar and moving to a bigger, badder place, there are still parts of my life that I could be better at and work harder in. I think that exposing myself to new things and being more inspired than I have lately will really help. Moving to NYC was the injection I needed to start being more present in my life and an active participator instead of being passive. The disturbing revelation that I do cater more to other people bothers me, and more so than I expected it would. While I have always known that it makes me severely uncomfortable to see other people uncomfortable at my expense, it bothers me more that I am so active and aggressive in other parts of my life. I seek ways to be better at my job and learn more in every aspect, read more, plan trips or to travel more, find out about new bars and restaurants, research new recipes and adaptations for you guys, and I seek a lot of opportunities to meet new people. But when people don’t seem interested in something I want to do, I don’t try as hard to go do it on my own. When it comes to someone like me who loves the spotlight sometimes, it makes me very anxious when a whole plan is designed by me. This includes occasions like my birthday. I have changed my pick for a restaurant depending on the reaction of the people I invite because I feel guilty that they are spending money somewhere that they don’t want to be, even though the occasion that they are coming for is me. Last year, I had one of the worst birthdays in a long time because I listened to everyone’s opinion but my own. I resolved then and there that this would never happen again, but without fail, I let others’ preferences trounce my own. While it is admirable that I changed so many things in my life, from my fitness plan to my eating habits, there are still things mentally that I need to unpack carefully and take plans for action. It is not as simple as: I have a guilt complex that dominates a lot of my decision making, catering to others, and this must change immediately.  The revelation hit me like a ton of bricks, and it is definitely because of my really insightful roommate/best friend, but his words are very accurate, and disturbingly haunting. For someone who prides herself on doing as much as possible and never wasting time, I feel extremely behind. I took action on this immediately, crystallizing the bar and restaurant lists that I have tucked onto post-its and hidden in journals, and decided that even if I can’t find people to do this with me, it is fine. NYC is a perfectly amazing place to do whatever you want, and you don’t need others to do so. The city can be your partner.

Here’s to independence guys. I am not compromising all the way anymore. And I really hope that if you resounded with my experience and with what I just said, you take steps to change this behavior too.

XX

R

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds still don’t.

— Baz Luhrmann

Just Listen

Even if all you did was breathe today

That alone is enough.

Sometimes

I eat kale and spinach and make a green smoothie everyday, and I work out five days a week, get to yoga four days a week and stretch my brain, my brain pieces, my hamstrings, my legs, sometimes I stare at the mirror and tell myself I am the prettiest girl I have ever seen.

Sometimes I make chia pudding for the morning, and eat breakfast everyday, and I am the most positive person I know.

And then there are some days when I eat two bowls of potatoes because I am craving that soft comforting feeling or I order my favorite dishes and allow someone else to cook for the week for me. Sometimes I order Indian because I miss home or because I know that no one else will be making that for me, and it is not economical for me to make it myself.

Sometimes I binge eat brownies even if they are black bean brownies because I love chocolate.

And then I remember that all of this is okay.

No one is a hundred percent healthy all of the time. And with all this talk about health, shouldn’t someone be saying, “Well, health is not the same for everyone.”

2014

1. More alone time.

2. More reflection.

3. Buy well, but buy less.

4. Drain your mind and clear your head more often.

5. Stretch yourself physically and mentally.

6. More risks.

7. More mistakes.

8. Treat your body well.

9. Live your truth.

10. Keep trying.

11. More lazy days.

12. More cooking.

13. More baking.

14. Say “no” and don’t explain.

15. More movies.

16. More writing.

17. Don’t let the fear of failure be the reason you don’t try.

Lena Dunham

Girls are trained to say, ‘I wrote this, but it’s probably really stupid.’ Well, no, you wouldn’t write a novel if you thought it was really stupid. Men are much more comfortable going, ‘I wrote this book because I have a unique perspective that the world needs to hear.’ Girls are taught from the age of seven that if you get a compliment, you don’t go, ‘Thank you’, you go, ‘No, you’re insane.’ ”

Could she always take a compliment? “No, I had to learn to go, ‘Thank you.’ Because it’s much easier to go, ‘Thank you so much, I’m actually a huge piece of shit who has no worthy things to offer the world, so I appreciate that you said that.’ ”

-Interview

The Guardian

This.

I don’t enjoy Thought Catalog all the time but there are specific writers that have some talent. Chelsea Fagan is one of them, and her columns are really fun to read. This one  really resounded with me since this is the place I am right now, and I agree with her completely.

 

7 Things I Learned from a Year of Overconfidence

For the progress personal picture I will take in 6 months