What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness
Don’t ever feel discouraged for wanting someone to hold you, to feel loved and known. Stop thinking “I shouldn’t be feeling this, I should be strong.” because the ache that is in you is natural, and no medicine on earth can rid the pain of wanting companionship. But don’t let that ache become a disease, don’t let it cripple your life, because you have so much to live for. When you have those aches for a love not yet known, take some time, write it out, take a deep breath; you are allowed to want love, you are allow to feel deeply, and you are allowed to wish it came soon, but you are not allow to let it keep you from a life lived fully.
You are not complete with someone else, you are complete now; Just learn to love the person you are, so that when you do meet someone great they will see the beauty that you hold, and love you all the more for the life you have chosen to live.
you’re not free until you have no need to impress anybody
Whenever he returned, they had a ritual both of them liked to follow: She would pick him up at the airport and they’d go directly to a café near her apartment that served excellent coffee and fresh bakery goods. He usually arrived very early in the morning so when they got to the café the same people were often there: a group of young mothers sitting at the big table who had dropped their children off at the school across the street. A few singles here and there reading newspapers or working on laptop computers. Couples playing hooky from the day who had clearly just climbed out of bed. They wore that sleepy happy complicit look of having shared a night of secrets and busy together. While waiting for their order, she would hold both of his hands and fill him in on her latest news. He especially loved those very first minutes together in the sun-drenched café hearing her talk. While listening carefully he was re-learning her face, voice, and gestures all over again. He knew them by heart of course having memorized so many of her details. When they were apart he went over them again and again in his mind. But this was different. After time away, those first hours together again were like the first moments in your home after returning from a trip. Everything is as familiar as the skin on the back of your hand but somehow new too at the same time. You stand there looking around at that most familiar space, remembering things, noticing, inhaling again the singular perfume of home; all the things large and small gathered and formed into your life.
“Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about those who don’t. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it.”
There’s no need to wait for the bad things and bullshit to be over. Change now. Love now. Live now. Don’t wait for people to give you permission to live, because they won’t.
Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room
I am trying to be purposefully antisocial this month but already it is starting to fail miserably. The temperatures are dropping and this is the time to embrace working on yourself, saving money and cooking at home. I tell myself these things but I am not sure if I will adhere to them as strictly as I need to be doing. This month I have made it a priority to drink less, buy less, work out more, ad talk about honest revelations more and cut down on things that no longer serve a purpose to me. This weekend was filled with a lot of looking through my closet and seeing what can do. i am sure these clothes will fit someone else way more than they fit me anymore. I no longer fit the mold of who I used ot be in so many different huge and small ways, and I don’t want to be that girl anymore anyway.
It is almost funny how much I used to run away from solitude like a wayward lover. Now I embrace its small, warming embrace; the sound of my light footsteps in my small Brooklyn apartment, the way Saturday and Sunday warm me like a sweet kiss waking me up with its day of endless possibility. I go to Chicago next weekend, a place I do not know much of and have never been to, but I am aching for new experiences this year and going a new place seems like it will be a good start.
I may have some time to do some things alone during this time, but I am mostly going to see a friend. It has been over two years since we saw each other last but everytime we speak, it is as though no time has gone by. Many stressful things happened today- but I am trying to keep my cool this new year, and stop fraying at the edges. It is a cruel fate to have so much work sometimes that you are not sure how all of it will be completed but I am so grateful that everyday I get the chance to do something I really love. I am trying to set some realistic goals, and also trying to keep alone time a priority this month. I just feel more alive and rejuvenated when I have that on the docket. Funny how i used to hate the sound of my own breath in the room, and now the thgouht of being alone for the day is just so deliciously tempting.
Funny how people just simply change.
the year of letting go, of understanding loss. grace. of the word ‘no’ and also being able to say ‘you are not kind’. the year of humanity/humility. when the whole world couldn’t get out of bed. everyone i’ve met this year, says the same thing ‘you are so easy to be around, how do you do that?’. the year i broke open and dug out all the rot with own hands. the year i learnt small talk. and how to smile at strangers. the year i understood that i am my best when i reach out and ask ‘do you want to be my friend?’. the year of sugar, everywhere. softness. sweetness. honey honey. the year of being alone, and learning how much i like it. the year of hugging people i don’t know, because i want to know them. the year i made peace and love, right here.