I probably wrote this blog entry numerous times in my mind. I have thought the same chain of thoughts for a while now, so often that it seems like a broken record in my head.
I’m tired. The type of tired where it is an effort to trudge up the stairs to the train, the type of tired that is so mentally exhausted and bruised that I need a small getaway to set things straight again. The type of tired where I forget my wallet twice in one week, and have to bail on plans with a friend because I wouldn’t make it in time, or walk back to my apartment in the freezing NYC endless winter 2014. I feel like I am thinking about something else entirely while doing mundane tasks.
I am completely, and utterly exhausted. My eyes have been sore since Friday, and I have bags that cover half my face. I am making a resolution to go to bed at an early time tonight and take care of myself. I want to sleep for a long time and have a week where no one speaks to me. I know that on a deeper level, this isn’t actually what I want, but silence sounds so tempting. Stopping the automatic, fake smile that I paste on day after day seems so tempting. I feel like I am constantly drowning. I have scheduled plans everyday this week because I know that if I don’t do it, I will give in to buying some wine, streaming Netflix, and feeling worse about myself.
Emotionally, I feel ridiculously drained. More so than I remember feeling in a long time. I know that these steps back are good in their own way. There will never be those good days, if everyday was a good day. But lately, it feels like everyday (probably in the last two weeks or so) has been a battle to face. One of my biggest weaknesses is that I have high expectations, and a bad reaction when those things don’t appear. I have high expectations for my friends, my relationships, and the standards I place on myself. I know that I am the only person judging me, and therefore the only person standing in my own way. Things out of my control changed the position I was so excited about accepting, and it is a disheartening place to be. A bad day, a bad week, a bad month, a bad year does not mean that you have a bad life.
Almost two years later from when I started this blog, I am probably the healthiest I have ever been in my life physically. I make it a priority to walk as many places as possible, I start the day off with a workout sometimes, and I try not to miss yoga because it offers a mental escape for me.
I have noticed that I embody some traits that may be great for other people, but I deserve that same love and respect towards myself. I am the listening ear to many problems yet I don’t feel comfortable voicing my own problems, to the point where I have started and stopped journals ten times this year because pages don’t judge you. The truth is my friends don’t judge me either, but I judge me, so I assume that everyone is too.
It is all quite idiotic but very valid, and I am trying to find a balance between taking care of myself and moving forward. Right now, it feels like one step forward, two steps back. I know that life owes me nothing, and that I have a lot to be thankful for. I am grateful I live in a beautiful exposed brick loft and I am able to afford it. I am grateful I can buy organic food, fruits, vegetables, and I have never gone hungry a day in my life. I know that the problems in my life are completely and utterly relative.
I wrote this post because I think it needs to be brought out that no matter what it looks like on the outside, no one has it together 100 percent of the time. I know that my story is better and worse than other people. No one knows my circumstances quite like I do, but I also know that I could easily be doing more to take care of myself. This is a priority. Next week is my birthday, and I am not going to let my bad February dominate my life. The pity party is over. To be honest, it is probably the most motivated I have been in recent memory to change my situation, so I will make sure I do. It’ll pay off. And when it does, it will be big.
Here’s to bad weeks/months/days/years – they just make you better. If you let them.